do you ever feel like people forget you exist & have feelings too?

his words burn my ears and crack my heart all the time. i replay it all the time in my head. every mean attack, his every fighting chance just to let. me. let. him. leave. -- he says every mean phrase that comes to his mind to the point where i've brainwashed myself to believe these words are meaningless and are just said to irritate me. and when it works .. when i act on phrases like I. DONT. LOVE YOU., I HATE BEING WITH YOU. YES, I USE YOU ALL THE TIME. somehow im the one with issues. when i throw whatever is near me because i am feeling defeated and betrayed...im the asshole.

at the end of the day, all i wanted was to be someone's #1 .. for someone to be sooo overprotective of me. someone who will go to the end of the world to fix whatever has me upset... someone who would panic if i didn't answer.. someone who wanted to be with me as much as i want to be with them.. someone who leaps up because i have the urge to go somewhere.. for someone to say, hey sorry i can't because angela wants to do this --- someone to do everything i do voluntarily for me, the way i do for them. why is it that when i try my hardest to keep that or create that .. im the idiot.. the one mocked, and shamed and not sympathized.

define friend. shouldn't a friend be the most real person with you. so real that when you're fucking up -- they call you out on it? not enable and instigate your shitty behavior? not enjoy it and hold a pow wow to celebrate it? shouldn't friends respect the people in your life? even when they may not exactly enjoy them? i know my friends sure do. after everything this person has done to me and already put me through -- three days after i pledge to my friends that this is it -- and they hear me cry and be on my lowest low .. they still shake his hand when i bring him to dinner unexpectedly as much as they would want to throw a drink in his face. i, on the otherhand -- don't receive that. i guess everything i've done for their friend -- ya know, like all the positive stuff. nope. still not worthy. 

what i dont get is when a celebrity does something shitty .. when a politician does something shitty .. you boycott. if justin timberlake didn't like black people, and you're against that, so now you stop listening to his music... this politician supports abortion so i know longer go to his restaurants. however,  when a friend does shitty ass things, its excused. why? because you went to the same high school as each other? i mean, you've been buying justin timberlake's album since third grade. but you found it in you to part from it.

yes, i am aware that while i can call him an opportunists, an asshole, a user, a cheater, someone can call me really stupid and really ignorant. but why am i the one who gets the shame and not the glory? why do i stop getting phone calls and invites and the extradition and not the guy who's going around bullying people who genuinely fucking care?

i wonder why i don't get the respect i deserve. am i not someone's daughter? someone's little sister? someone out there is worrying and praying for my happiness every night before they go to bed -- while others are exploiting it and cheering bottles of beers to it.

yes, im aware that i made the decisions i made and now i sound like a little girl complaining about my decisions, trying to throw the blame onto someone else. i spent as much money as i have, bought the gifts i bought, threw the parties i threw, made the billing arrangements i made, but still why am i the asshole when i get fucked over ... 

so he leaves. he packs his car and stack boxes and is angry and says the most hurtful things one could hear. remember, im totally the bad guy here. why is it that i lose? i get yelled at, bullied, then left alone to cry. not an ounce of sadness in his eyes or any weight on his heart however he can see the best mirage one could see, parties and beer -- everything he says i strip him of. 

to be continued...